Feeling deflated after another disastrous relationship let down? Breakups are tough at the best of times – especially when you’ve already spent months or years getting over an ex, only to find yourself falling for exactly the same type of man who broke your heart in the first place.
If you have a sneaking suspicion you’re repeating the same patterns and picking the wrong partners, there are simple steps you can take to break the cycle. We spoke to Harley Street hypnotherapist Fiona Lamb to get her expert advice on how to ensure your next relationship is one worth fighting for…
Why do we choose certain types of men?
The men you choose will depend on how you feel about yourself. If we are feeling anxious, low in confidence and not good enough, we can be drawn to men who make us feel this way.
Some people have no interest in nice men who make them feel special and loved, as it feels too easy. They think they can change or fix a man somehow. Others who are used to feeling loved, but are not particularly happy, often choose the safe option as they don’t feel confident they will meet anyone else – they accept this is the best they will get and make do. Sometimes it’s a mixture of the two, and a very frustrating, unfulfilling pattern which will keep repeating itself unless you break the cycle.
Can our past affect how we choose our partners?
When we grow up, we form our own perception of the world. The relationships we see as children become what we believe to be normal. If love or happiness wasn’t available as a child, this can have a huge impact on our future relationships. Emotions we were used to feeling become the very thing we subconsciously keep seeking out in adult life.
Try completing these sentences:
What you believe they are, they will be – kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You need to challenge these beliefs with more logical thinking. You also need to realise that just because something has happened in the past, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen in the future.
What steps can we take to break the cycle?
The first step is noticing it. If you’ve sought fulfilment solely from your relationships, this is the first thing to change. Your self-worth is not determined by your relationships, fulfilment has to come from within you first. When you’re happy in other areas of your life, relationships seem less overwhelming and consuming. These involve hobbies, friends, family and work. Build on these to boost your confidence and your self-worth. Busy yourself with your own life and look for someone who adds value, all the while learning to be assertive with what you want and confident that you will find it. Feeling good about yourself will attract the right kind of person.
IF: You always self-sabotage.
When people feel they’re not worthy of love, a good relationship can seem too good to be true – which can lead to self-sabotaging behaviour (i.e. hurting someone before they hurt you). Take positive steps with positive affirmations: Love is available to me. I deserve love. I am good enough. Relationships bring me joy.
IF: You fear being alone.
You have to be happy being by yourself first. It’s such a cliché, but so true. If you come from a place of need, you run the risk of coming across as desperate, which is never an attractive trait. It’s important to build up your independence and that all-important relationship with yourself – this will work wonders on your own confidence and self-worth. Start to do things by yourself and learn to enjoy your own company
IF: You feel pressured to be in a relationship.
Many women panic about their age, but ultimately panic comes from a place of fear, which is no basis for a relationship. Don’t compare yourself to others, and be patient. It’s ok to be on your own. If anyone passes comment, just ignore them – don’t take on the negativity
IF: Your last relationship left you with trust issues.
Take responsibility for your own life and move any pain to power. You aren’t a victim of your circumstances, you only learn from them. Forgive anyone who has hurt you and forgive yourself for any mistakes you have made. If you enter a relationship based on fear this will only get worse. Trust yourself, trust in love, trust that love is available to you and most importantly believe you are good enough. Just as you are!
How can hypnosis help people make better relationship choices?
Hypnosis can identify what your fears really are and build a more positive belief system to help you think and feel differently towards love and, in turn, attract the relationships you want. If our minds have created a problem for ourselves then we know what we need to do it resolve it. Hypnotherapy is just like a guided meditation which allows you to access that part of your mind and let go of those old anxieties.
For more information, or to book an appointment with Fiona, visit FionaLambHypnotherapy.com