Breadcrumbs ![A Sex Therapist Answers Your Burning Questions](https://media.sheerluxe.com/0n_Sz8QltvbFPcJC4EUENoT0x3k=/800x0/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fhero_0.jpg?itok=TxlHX5Zm) Image: VLADIMIR TSARKOV/STOCKSY UNITED [Sex & Relationships](/life/sex-relationships) / 08 April 2026 # A Sex Therapist Answers Your Burning Questions When it comes to sex, many of us quietly wonder if what we’re experiencing is normal. From falling into routines to navigating mismatched libidos, these are the questions that rarely go beyond our own thoughts — or, at most, the group chat. So, we put them to Gigi Engle: an award-winning author, certified sex and relationships psychotherapist, and leading voice in modern intimacy. Known for her refreshingly honest, inclusive approach, she specialises in pleasure-based sex education and is the author of ‘Kink Curious’, her latest book exploring fantasy and desire. Here, she answers the questions the SheerLuxe community really wanted to ask… [ Save To My Favourites ](/user/login?destination=/markdownify/node/51953) Image: VLADIMIR TSARKOV/STOCKSY UNITED All products on this page have been selected by our editorial team, however we may make commission on some products. ![The Vault Stock](https://media.sheerluxe.com/snGQRWrIqaGiaSH29spr1stL9v4=/800x0/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fasset-1.jpg?itok=mr1cCMOm) The Vault Stock **I’ve been with my partner for a few years now and while our sex life is good, it’s started to feel a bit predictable. We tend to default to the same positions and routine every time. How do we mix things up without it feeling forced or like we’re suddenly trying too hard?** This is one of the most common questions I get. Once you find a rhythm that works, it’s very easy to stay there. The issue isn’t having go-to positions – it’s that routine can pull you out of the moment. You stop being present and start going through the motions, which makes it harder to feel connected in both mind and body. Instead of putting pressure on yourselves to try something completely new, start by shifting the energy – slow things down and change the pace. Spend more time on foreplay – or what I like to call ‘moreplay’. Even something as simple as having sex at a different time of day, or in a different space, can completely change how it feels. It also helps to keep the conversation light and open. You might say something like, “I feel like we’ve slipped into a bit of a routine – should we play around with things a little?” That invites your partner in, rather than putting them on the defensive. And don’t underestimate anticipation. A suggestive message earlier in the day, a bit of build-up – these things create novelty without forcing anything. I always say foreplay begins the minute sex ends. Keeping that energy alive takes intention but it’s what keeps things feeling exciting. **I’m someone who really enjoys giving – especially when it comes to oral – but lately it’s been feeling a little one-sided. I don’t want to overthink it or make it awkward, but I do want to feel wanted in the same way. How do I shift that?** A lot of people struggle with this, often because they don’t want to feel like a burden or create tension. But your pleasure is allowed to take up space – it’s not an extra, it’s essential. The shift here is moving away from pointing out what’s missing and instead naming what you want. That might sound like, “I really love going down on you and I’d love to feel that kind of attention too.” It’s clear, but still warm and inviting. Timing matters as well. These conversations tend to land better outside of sex, when there’s less pressure. It’s also worth staying curious. Sometimes a lack of reciprocity comes down to confidence or uncertainty, rather than a lack of care. Framing it as something shared – “I want us both to feel really taken care of,” – keeps the focus on mutual pleasure, rather than obligation. At the end of the day, most of us want to feel desired and appreciated. Giving your partner the opportunity to show up for your pleasure is part of that. In your fantasies, you set the pace, the rules, the ending – but IT'S THE FEELING THEY CREATE that you're actually drawn to. ![Luiz Rogerio Nunes/Unsplash](https://media.sheerluxe.com/YfZAruFVwcvuG8s7Nz1i4YirwI4=/800x0/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fasset-2.jpg?itok=fqljalUE) Luiz Rogerio Nunes/Unsplash **I have fantasies that feel quite different – and sometimes quite a bit wilder – than anything I’d actually want to happen in real life. Is that normal, or does it mean there’s something I’m not addressing?** This is completely normal – and very often misunderstood. Fantasies aren’t always a blueprint for what we want in real life. They’re a space where the mind plays with ideas, dynamics and emotions. Often, they’re exploring themes like power, novelty or intensity, rather than literal scenarios. A lot of people worry their fantasies say something definitive about them – they don’t. Fantasy and real-life desire sometimes overlap, but they’re not the same thing. Part of what makes fantasy appealing is control – you decide the rules, the pacing, the outcome. Real-life sex involves communication, boundaries and another person, which naturally changes the dynamic. If you’re curious, look at the underlying feeling rather than the exact scenario. What is it about that fantasy that appeals to you? That’s usually where the insight is. You’re allowed to have a rich, imaginative inner world. It doesn’t need to translate directly into your real-life choices – that’s part of what makes sexuality so expansive and interesting. **I enjoy my sex life but sometimes I worry it’s a bit safe. Not bad, just not particularly adventurous. How do you know what’s ‘normal’ – and whether you should want more?** This is the trap of comparison – it makes your own experience feel lacking, even when it isn’t. What we see and hear about other people’s sex lives is usually curated. People share the highlights, not the full (and often messier) reality. In truth, most sex lives include routine, mismatched desire, and moments that are ‘fine’. We’re not all having mind-blowing, life-altering sex all the time – that wouldn’t be realistic. ‘Adventurous’ is also completely subjective. For some, it means trying new things physically. For others, it’s about being more open, more communicative, or simply more present. A more useful question is whether your sex life feels good for you. Do you feel comfortable? Can you ask for what you want? Is there space for your pleasure? When you’re constantly measuring yourself against an outside standard, it pulls you out of your own experience – and that’s usually where the disconnect begins. ![Vladimir Tsarkov/Stocksy United](https://media.sheerluxe.com/WRTs9ucZuZ_XY1w6gP5sZzTm1oA=/1920x0/smart/filters:no_upscale()/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fasset-3.jpg?itok=L3bJL6TS) Vladimir Tsarkov/Stocksy United Everyone else’s SEX LIFE LOOKS BETTER FROM THE OUTSIDE, but you’re only ever seeing the highlight reel. No-one is having mind-blowing, life-altering sex all the time. **My partner has a much higher sex drive than I do. I love them and I’m attracted to them, but I’m just not always in the mood – and it’s starting to create a bit of tension between us. Is this something we can work through, or is it a bigger compatibility issue?** Differences in desire are incredibly common – and they don’t automatically mean something is wrong. Desire isn’t fixed. It’s influenced by stress, emotional connection, physical health, and how safe and relaxed you feel. It also shows up differently for different people. Some experience spontaneous desire, while others feel desire after things have already started – this is known as responsive desire. Understanding your own pattern can be really helpful. If you often enjoy sex once you’re in it, even if you weren’t initially in the mood, that suggests your desire may be more responsive. Neither is better – they just work differently. That said, you should never feel obligated to have sex you don’t want. The goal is to find a middle ground that respects both of you. That might mean broadening your definition of intimacy so it isn’t always centred around sex. Clear, non-blaming communication goes a long way. You might say, “I love you, and I want us to feel close. My desire works a bit differently, and I’d love for us to figure out something that works for both of us.” And if things feel stuck, working with a sex therapist can really help – not because something is broken, but because these are nuanced conversations, and it’s okay to have support navigating them. *For more visit* [MISSGIGIENGLE.COM](https://www.missgigiengle.com/). '*Kink Curious' is available* [now](https://amzn.to/3PZxyRr). *Have a question you'd like to ask? Download the* [*SL Community app*](https://sheerluxe.the-dots.com/asks/150935)*.* ## *more from* ### Life [View All Life](/life) ![Your April Horoscope](https://media.sheerluxe.com/8YrFgHBKjZGfqiWBrh9pnTeArh8=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fhorocopes-hero-thumb.jpg?itok=K3jUaIiM) [Life](/life) / 01 April 2026 [## Your April Horoscope ](/life/your-april-horoscope-6) ![20 Small Businesses To Support Now](https://media.sheerluxe.com/2uhj44m8zfIyZ2mjKZy3QeyKjX8=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F03%2Fsl-site-assets-310326-thumb-hero-small-business-collective-post-event.jpg?itok=9UDAgUjj) [Life](/life) / 31 March 2026 [## 20 Small Businesses To Support Now ](/life/20-small-businesses-to-support-now) ![What’s In The Killing Kittens Founder’s Bedside Cabinet](https://media.sheerluxe.com/1Hl13_bojpLNYmx6c8xucGFHaRo=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fsl-site-assets-080426-thumb-hero-whats-in-my-bedside-cabinet-emma-sayle.jpg?itok=LUeUB7Mh) [Sex & Relationships](/life/sex-relationships) / 08 April 2026 [## What’s In The Killing Kittens Founder’s Bedside Cabinet ](/life/sex-relationships/whats-in-the-killing-kittens-founders-bedside-cabinet) ![The Intimate Trend Everyone’s Talking About](https://media.sheerluxe.com/puPSlKLy64vOliPgY55FNz_eo7g=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fsl-site-assets-080426-thumb-hero-audio-erotica.png?itok=LgJiPNDZ) [Sex & Relationships](/life/sex-relationships) / 08 April 2026 [## The Intimate Trend Everyone’s Talking About ](/life/sex-relationships/the-intimate-trend-everyones-talking-about) ![Is The Pull-Out Method The New Pill?](https://media.sheerluxe.com/W5xre0TIcsItDjjl5Lrd5LdIMBQ=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fsl-site-assets-080426-thumb-hero-the-pull-out-method.jpg?itok=v344LmJ7) [Sex & Relationships](/life/sex-relationships) / 08 April 2026 [## Is The Pull-Out Method The New Pill? ](/life/sex-relationships/is-the-pull-out-method-the-new-pill) ![The Round Up: Sex Toys](https://media.sheerluxe.com/NUXPgZEJmrwqugFfQN4MTPX5Og4=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fsl-site-assets-080426-thumb-sex-toys-shopping-edit.jpg?itok=vAegSciO) [Sex & Relationships](/life/sex-relationships) / 08 April 2026 [## The Round Up: Sex Toys ](/life/sex-relationships/best-sex-toys) ![ 8 Sex & Wellness Launches You Need To Know About](https://media.sheerluxe.com/CYL4XNmytDcNdJ2rE1IqTTekElo=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F04%2Fsl-site-assets-080426-thumb-after-dark-hotlist.jpg?itok=hbh6zp6G) [Sex & Relationships](/life/sex-relationships) / 08 April 2026 [## 8 Sex & Wellness Launches You Need To Know About ](/life/sex-relationships/8-sex-wellness-launches-you-need-to-know-about) ![Meet The Sex Toy That Has A 94% Orgasm Success Rate](https://media.sheerluxe.com/ElzstqS-EpR0zjCLyJqB--wgFD8=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F02%2Fsl-site-assets-100226-thumb-lovehoney-approval-1.jpg?itok=IH14tYXj) [Sex & Relationships](/life/sex-relationships) / 10 February 2026 [## Meet The Sex Toy That Has A 94% Orgasm Success Rate ](/life/sex-relationships/meet-the-sex-toy-that-has-a-94-orgasm-success-rate) ![The Habits That Keep Sex Alive – And Better Than Ever](https://media.sheerluxe.com/avYOossUbBBQ2rGpHPk6F2BGKNo=/200x267/smart/https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Fsites%2Fsheerluxe%2Ffiles%2Farticles%2F2026%2F01%2Fsl-gold-190126-email-habits-to-keep-the-passion-alive-purchased.jpg?itok=9MmmjrbD) [Health & Beauty](/gold/health-beauty)/ 19 January 2026 [## The Habits That Keep Sex Alive – And Better Than Ever ](/life/sex-relationships/the-habits-that-keep-sex-alive-and-better-than-ever) Share This Story [Facebook ](https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?display=popup&redirect_uri=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com&u=https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Flife%2Fsex-relationships%2Fa-sex-therapist-answers-your-burning-questions&t=A+Sex+Therapist+Answers+Your+Burning+Questions) [ Pinterest ](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/button/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fsheerluxe.com%2Flife%2Fsex-relationships%2Fa-sex-therapist-answers-your-burning-questions&description=A+Sex+Therapist+Answers+Your+Burning+Questions&media=) [ E-mail ]() DISCLAIMER: We endeavour to always credit the correct original source of every image we use. 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