When Grown-Up Children Come Home: How To Make It Work For Everyone

We often hear the term ‘boomerang parenting’ batted about when referring to adult children returning home. Why are more young adults returning home after school, university or when starting work?

Personally, I think ‘boomerang parenting’ is an odd term. It’s just parenting. I think many young adults return home, as the transition to adulthood can be hard. I see so many young people in my clinic struggling with these transitions and the support from family can be invaluable as they gain confidence and make their way in the world. All four of my children (aged 18 to 25) are still living at home in some capacity. I don’t think coming home should be viewed as going backwards.

How can parents prepare emotionally for a child returning home after living independently?

As parents, I think we have to be careful not to slip back into the parenting role we held before our children became more independent. We want to encourage healthy independence regardless of where our children are living. Our role at this stage is to encourage our children to take ownership of their own trajectory, even if it doesn’t fit with what we think they should be doing. Living at home can give young adults the space to take risks and make mistakes, which can be a fantastic opportunity for growth.

Why can the transition to adulthood feel so difficult, even for young people who appear confident and capable?

Leaving the education bubble can be a shock to the system. Suddenly, the realities of grown-up, everyday life become very real. Our education system focuses on academic achievement but leaves very little space for the essential life skills that are needed to navigate the real world. You can have the best grades in the world and still feel completely lost when you have to work out what you want your life to look like.

How can parents tell the difference between a young adult who is genuinely struggling and one experiencing the normal discomfort of growing up?

Young people will often come to me and say, ‘I have anxiety’. One of the most important things we can teach our children is that anxiety is a normal part of being human. Part of growing up means taking responsibility for your own wellbeing which means understanding how to manage anxiety, knowing how to keep yourself mentally healthy and asking for help when needed.

As a parent it can be hard to know when to step in – I always tell parents to trust their instincts, you know your child best. If something feels off or they are struggling to manage everyday life, seek help. A few sessions with someone who understands this life stage can be life-changing – there is no shame in asking for help.

How might this stage affect a parent’s sense of identity, freedom and personal space?

If you’ve been used to having the house to yourself, children returning home can be an adjustment for all of you. As with everything, life will fall back into a routine and this stage won’t be for ever. I love the quote: ‘There are two lasting gifts we can give our children. One is roots, the other is wings.’ At some point those little wings will take flight.

How does the parent-child relationship need to change once a child is legally and emotionally an adult?

As parents we need to resist the temptation to rescue our adult children. This is their time to learn. If you are constantly picking up the pieces for them, they can’t learn how to be confident and resilient adults. Just be there quietly in the background to listen when things don’t go according to plan. When our children make choices we wouldn’t make ourselves, we often have to manage our own anxieties rather than theirs. Parents need to learn to tolerate some discomfort too.

What practical boundaries should parents and adult children agree when they live together?

I had to ask my children this one as we haven’t really had to agree any formal rules. The only one they could think of was ‘bring your washing down’. We just operate as we always have done, I really don’t think it needs to be a big deal. They are adults so we treat them as adults. I do still ask them to text me when they get home, even the 25-year-old! Obviously, they don’t need to do this when they are living elsewhere.

What is the best way for parents to support a child finishing school or taking a gap year without putting pressure on them?

My youngest has just finished school and is just embarking on his gap year. Watching him and his friends, I think this is a time of huge adjustment. At this stage, children go from seeing their friends every day with lots of fun and no responsibilities to having to find work to fund their year off. I think the important thing to remember is that a gap year does not have to look the same for everyone. While many will follow the traditional gap year, I think this year should be a time for learning and development.

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is the space to discover who they are, which inevitably involves experimentation and some wrong choices. I’d ask them one simple question: ‘When you look back at this year, what would you like to be able to say?’. Goal setting is a life skill we all need. Most importantly, encourage them not to compare themselves to their friends, this journey has to be theirs.

How can parents help their children manage the transition to university, particularly if they are anxious or struggling with independence?

For most young people, university is the first time they will have lived away from home, and this can be hugely daunting for parents and children alike. Our children need to know that it’s normal to feel anxious. Help them understand how anxiety shows up and, most importantly, how to manage that. A useful tip is ‘avoidance keeps anxiety going’ – encourage them to step outside of their comfort zone and not to avoid things because they feel hard.

On a practical level, help them make their uni room lovely and homely so they have somewhere to retreat to. Those first few weeks are exhausting, talk to them about how to stay well physically and mentally. As boring as it is, sleep is one of the most important wellbeing pillars, so make sure they catch up on sleep after late-night clubbing.

What support do young adults need when starting work, dealing with rejection or feeling unsure about their direction?

They need to know that rejection is part of life’s rich tapestry. They also need to know that they don’t have to have life all figured out. Help them understand who they are and what life looks like on their terms. What matters to them? What are they good at? What kind of life do they want? Living at home is the ideal time to start working these things out. Confidence does not come from being told you can cope, it develops through discovering you can.

If you could give parents one piece of advice as their teenager becomes an adult, what would it be?

Honestly, just enjoy it. Trust that you have taught your child the values that matter and that, ultimately, they will figure things out. Try not to panic when things go wrong. See mistakes, rejection and wrong turns as part of their learning rather than something you need to prevent. Most importantly, make sure home is somewhere they can always come back to when life throws them curveballs.

Coral Garlick is a mother of four young adults, a therapeutic coach and positive psychologist with NHS training. Coral supports teenagers and young adults as they navigate the transition to adulthood. 

Visit CoralGarlick.co.uk 

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