The Gold Edition’s Therapy Corner

I'm a single, middle-aged woman on the dating scene after being in a long-term relationship for most of my adult life. I'm not sure I can bear to sign up to any of  the apps, so how should I prepare myself to get out there again and what are my best options for meeting someone? Have the dating rules changed in the last 15 years? And, when it comes to sex, should I be asking for full disclosure of their sexual history?

The Divorce Coach Sara Davison Advises

Firstly, well done for having the courage to explore dating again as I know it can be daunting, especially after a long-term relationship. The good news is that there are many ways to meet a new partner and there are some safety nets you can put in place to help you date with more confidence. 

A good place to start is to work out what you are looking for from a partner. Most of us know what we want – whether it’s blue eyes, blonde hair, tall, funny, good looking. These come easily to mind for most people. 

The trick is to understand what you actually need from a partner. This is where you are learning the lessons from past relationships and deep diving into the prerequisites for you that will lead to a good match. The best way to ascertain these traits is to consider what was lacking in past relationships and why they didn’t work out for you. Examples could be emotional intelligence, loyalty, empathy, a good communicator or the ability to pick you up when you feel low. Then comes the most important step – establish up to five must not haves. These are red flags and hard non-negotiables. Should they surface, you deploy your parachute and abort immediately. With some of my clients, these have included lying, being rude or deal breakers like smoking and laziness. The key here is that you stick to them and don’t fall into the trap of giving a second chance to someone, thinking you can change them or that they will be different for you.  

When you’ve done the groundwork and have more clarity on your ideal partner, then you can start to date with more confidence and awareness. There are many ways to meet potential partners including dating apps – however, if this isn’t your preference here are some tips:

• When you are out and about ‘In Real Life’ (IRL), keep your eyes open for potential partners. You will be surprised by how many opportunities there are to connect with someone when not engrossed in your phone. Look up and around you in cafés, in the supermarket or waiting for an Uber. 
• Be approachable – smile and be open to a conversation. A friendly comment can get a chat started and open up opportunities that would otherwise have passed you by.
• Make an effort to say ‘yes’ more. You are not going to meet anyone staying indoors, so say yes to getting out as much as you can, even when you don’t feel like it. It could be a gym class, a dog walk or a drink in your local, but say yes and keep an open mind. 
• Be adventurous and be open to dating someone outside your normal ‘type’, as they can surprise you.  

Dating rules have changed significantly in the last 15 years and it can feel overwhelming scrolling through social media’s proliferation of dating trends – from ‘hook-ups’ and ‘situationships’ to ‘beige flags’ and ‘ghosting’. Don’t let this put you off and here’s what you need to know:

• Dating more than one person at a time is normal and acceptable. It is actually a good thing as it enables you to get to know several people at the same time and work out who is the best fit for you. Also, if one of your dates goes quiet, the rejection isn’t as painful when you have others on the go. 
• Set your own boundaries for dating and stick to what you feel comfortable with. Go at your own pace and, if they don’t support that, then they are not a match for you.
• Beware of catfishing – do not share personal information until you are sure you know who you are sharing it with. If someone is asking questions that make you feel uncomfortable then listen to your instincts and cut off contact. Never send money or feel under pressure to share personal details. 
• Be extra selective when choosing a first date activity – it’s more common now to have a dry first date, i.e. alcohol free. A short walk or a quick coffee can be perfect to see if there is chemistry. My advice is always just to be yourself when you meet. 

As for asking for full disclosure of their sexual history, I think you need to ask yourself why you need to know what they did in their past. Is it going to improve your relationship with them to know what they did before they met you? In most cases it doesn’t help and can be detrimental to a connection. However, if you have concerns about their loyalty or commitment in relationships, this could be useful information to find out as it suggests there are red flags. If this is important for you, then I recommend waiting until you know this relationship has real potential before asking.

Remember that dating is not just about finding Mr or Ms Right – this is your chance to get out there and to have some fun. It can be a really empowering stepping stone to help boost your confidence and to reaffirm your faith that there are people out there who are kind or emotionally intelligent. Whoever you choose to be with should bring some sparkle back into your world and make it brighter. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason so, even if it doesn’t work out, you can always learn something positive from it that will help you next time around. Be yourself, let your light shine bright and enjoy your dating journey. 

The Women’s Empowerment & Sexuality Coach Mangal Holland Advises

Dating again after a long absence can be incredibly daunting as the scene has changed so much in the last few years. Apps can be a minefield due to the prevalence of people not being honest, and it seems like people are starting to move away from them, preferring instead to meet people ‘in the wild’. 

As you're in the process of rediscovering so many aspects of yourself post-break up, I suggest finding social groups and exploring new interests. Good options might include Meet Up, walking groups, running and cycling groups – I was amazed when I went to my first Park Run event and thought, this is where all the hot, fit, men my own age have been hiding! Even if you don't meet anyone suitable, you'll still get the benefit of widening your social circle and practising putting yourself out there in a less confronting way. 

It's important to find your own sense of empowerment and self-worth as you embark on your dating journey. As a sex coach specialising in women in midlife and beyond, I highly recommend not outsourcing your validation or pleasure to others! Explore your own pleasure and discover what lights you up and brings you joy (both inside and outside the bedroom). It's an exciting time and you might want to experiment sexually – I've had clients who decide they want to explore kink or want to try dating younger men or a different gender. Remember, you get to make your own rules, as long as you feel in integrity with yourself (and the other person) and, most importantly, that you feel safe. 

The dating scene has changed significantly in the last 15 years. Regardless of where you're looking, here are some things to consider:

• Get clear on what you're looking for and communicate that. If you want a relationship, great. If you want a quick fling or a one-night stand, also great. People get hurt when intentions aren't clear or respected.
• If you're looking for a long-term relationship, take your time and get to know someone before diving into intimacy. Don't bother with people who want to ‘see where it goes’, unless you're just up for some fun.
• Many men lie about their age, height and intentions. If they lie about this, they will lie about other things. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt. 
• Don't ignore any red flags. Learn to trust your gut instincts and don't be afraid to walk away.
• Take regular breaks from the scene to recharge; it’s easy to get despondent! 
• Make your first date a coffee date so you don't feel obliged to stay longer. Never go to someone's house for a first date and don't let anyone pressure you or imply your safety is irrelevant.
• It's really important to have conversations about safe sex and sexual history. Don't have unprotected sex (even if they've had a vasectomy) and don't allow yourself to be pressured into it.
• When you're on a date with someone, ask yourself ‘how do I feel in my body?’ rather than ‘do they like me?’ – it helps you learn more about yourself and boosts your confidence.

Although there are a lot of timewasters out there, there are some really lovely people too. When I was single, I took a ruthless yet optimistic attitude and it paid off. I'm now in a loving relationship with a man my own age who is genuine, mature and solid, but I'd also done the work to feel happy in my own skin.

The Life Coach Mhari Todd Advises

This might seem a little unconventional but, firstly, I'd like to offer you my congratulations. Though the breakdown of any relationship is difficult, sometimes heartbreaking, there is no doubt in my mind that there are vibrant, fulfilling relationships and experiences ahead of you. I’m excited for you, truly. Having personally come through a divorce and found love on the other side, I’ll be for ever grateful to the girl at my gym class who noted my name change and exclaimed, “Congratulations!” Then when I shook my head to convey that I hadn't got married, she offered triumphantly, “Well even bigger congratulations.” 

The Latin route of the word confidence is trust so, when we talk about self-confidence, we are referring to self-trust. Imagine your closest relationship, the one with that person you trust above all others. What is it about them that makes you trust them? Are they reliable? If you make plans together, they show up. Are they supportive? They understand and make space for your feelings and experiences without judgement. Are they caring, do they show their love and affection and big you up? Now think of how you treat yourself. Do you foster the same values in your relationship with yourself? The easiest way to build your confidence is to become someone you can trust implicitly. 

This new situation may also lead to you being out of your comfort zone and having to learn to encounter situations as a single person. So, start where you are, use what you have and just do what you can. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Allow yourself to take the small, possible steps towards the bigger goal. For example, perhaps it feels too much to go to a large dinner party as a newly or only single person within the group. But you want to. So, if that’s the ultimate goal, what's something more achievable that you could do first? 

Another step is to make sure you don’t get in your own way with negative thought patterns learnt from previous relationships. To do this you need to get to know yourself. Learn about your attachment type, your love language, your character strengths and personality profile. Do the free online quizzes, journal, ask your best friends expansive questions. Pay attention to what irks you. Get curious about yourself, your patterns and your past. When you understand yourself, you can communicate your needs and boundaries much more effectively, leading to healthier connections with others.

Despite the horror stories you may have come across, dating apps are still the most common way to meet someone in 2025. The good news? With over 1,400 dating apps out there, there will be one that is more suited to you. If you are new to online dating, my top tip is to approach it like learning a new skill – accept it will take a while to get into your groove and hone your craft. If you were learning a language, for example, you wouldn't expect to become fluent in a week. So, allow yourself the space to get used to the process without pressure.

In addition, these tips should help ease you into the digital dating sphere:

• When you start online dating a common pitfall is giving your everything to each interaction, which is exhausting and can often go unrequited (it’s them not you). My advice from both personal and professional experience is to have healthy (but hopeful) scepticism. Don’t devote all your time to one chat then feel deflated when they turn out not to be right.
• Expect ghosting (suddenly ending all communication without warning or explanation) and know deeply in advance that when it happens, it is not about you.
• A red flag to be aware of is love bombing. If someone lavishes very early attention/affection onto you, consider taking a step back and slowing things right down. You may actually notice a connection between this and ghosting. Sadly, one can follow the other. 
• Trust your gut – if something feels off, it probably is.
• Get ruthless and cut off anyone that gives you the 'no' feeling.
• Find the right app for you, your area and what you want. Bumble was brilliant for me in New York and London but, when I went to my mother’s home, there were approximately three people to connect with in that area.
• Cut to the chase! When it feels prudent to do so, arrange the in-person meet. The sooner the better.
• Let it be a little fun and frivolous until you meet someone in person, then you can be more considered.

For more information, visit SaraDavison.com; @SaraDavisonDivorceCoach; MangalaHolland.com; RoadblockCoach.co.uk