My Journey Into Motherhood: Dr. Zoe Williams

My partner and I met in September 2019. We’re not married – marriage is something we might do one day, but it’s not high on our priority list. In February 2020 we moved in together – it was largely a response to the looming prospect of lockdown, but it turned out to be the right decision for us. In 2020, I also turned 40, and while Stuart and I had discussed the idea of having a family as early as our fourth or fifth date, the conversation turned quite serious quite quickly that year.

Before I met Stuart, I had explored the idea of being a single parent with in vitro, sperm donors and I eventually chose to freeze my eggs at 38. I’d come out of a long-term relationship around 35 and it was my mum who really urged me to explore it. When she passed away (I was about 37), it coincided my making a show about egg freezing for The One Show. I knew by the end of the first day’s filming that I should do it. I was lucky enough to be able to extract seven eggs – although the chance of eventually conceiving was still quite low.

After Stuart and I met, I didn’t want to stop pursuing my dreams of motherhood. Thankfully, he was on board with the idea of having a baby and I ended up conceiving naturally and reasonably quickly of us making our decision to try – within three months. We’d given ourselves a six-month window (seeing as we were both 40 and neither of us had tried to get pregnant before) but I was shocked it happened so quickly.

I knew I was pregnant because my period was late. Even so, my first thought was not, “Oh, I must be pregnant.” Instead, I was worried I might be perimenopausal and that my periods might be becoming more irregular. I was in the clinic that day, so I thought I’d take a pregnancy test to be sure. I couldn’t believe it when it turned out to be positive. I did a second just in case. Throughout my pregnancy I was very lucky – I did have a bit of mild morning sickness and experienced things like back pain, heartburn, sleep disturbance… the usual symptoms. As a doctor, I knew what to expect, so I was able to manage it all quite well.

As an older first-time mum, I did have a bit of extra anxiety. It was possible I could have miscarried or that the pregnancy might not have been viable. Having a bit more medical knowledge can be a blessing and a curse – as doctors, we’re meant to be experts at finding problems or medical issues, but we’re not midwives or health visitors who are specifically trained in all sorts of areas of parenting. It perhaps made me worry more, because it’s my job to spot things that are wrong. Sometimes you’re looking for problems that don’t exist.

I’d always thought I’d have an elective caesarean. As part of my GP training, I’d worked for six months in obstetrics, so I knew it would give me maximum control – even though it’s not necessarily the lowest-risk route. But as I got into the latter stages of my pregnancy, the doctor side of me got quieter and the maternal side grew stronger. I did a hypno-birthing course and had the opportunity to work with a doula. By the end of my pregnancy, I’d decided on a home birth with my doula and Stuart present. The baby was ten days early and the midwife never managed to get there – even though my labour ended up being about ten hours in total. I do think we sometimes ‘over-medicalise’ the idea of childbirth and I was fascinated at how my primal instinct took over. 

We didn’t find out whether we were having a boy or a girl ahead of time. When Lisbon was born, I picked him up out of the birthing pool and we – with Stuart – had a long cuddle. Our doula went to make a cup of tea and came back to see if it was a boy or a girl. We hadn’t even looked! His name came from the city where Stuart and I first met – we had a sneaking suspicion from our last 3D scan it was going to be a boy. 

I felt very protective about having a newborn. You tend to get lots of visitors during that first week or so, but part of me wanted it to be just the three of us – my perception of the world suddenly felt very different. Aside from the unconditional love that washed over me, there was also this feeling of immense responsibility. But everyone experiences this time differently – as a doctor, I know how important it is not to press upon women how they should be feeling, but to know that all feelings are valid and to try to roll with them as best you can.

So many parents judge themselves too harshly. And what’s worse is so many mothers don’t say anything because they don’t want other people to think they’re not coping. Recent research from The Stokke says up to 71% of new parents don’t want to ask for help and nearly a quarter are worried about being labelled a bad parent. But those first few weeks are difficult – for everyone. It’s no coincidence that actual torture methods include sleep deprivation and the noise of a baby screaming. Plus, mothers are recovering from childbirth – which is still a major trauma no matter how smoothly it’s gone. But the social pressure to look like you ‘have it all together’ is so real. Very often, people just need permission to express how they’re really feeling.

If you are struggling, my advice would be to try and reframe things for yourself as much as possible. Try to see the humour in things – those first few days, Stuart and I laughed a lot; it worked wonders in the tough moments when we felt so exhausted or out of our depth. And if you need it, ask for professional help. 

Breastfeeding is something I really wanted to do. I persevered and have continued to breastfeed Lisbon, but it was much more difficult than I ever anticipated. It’s such a personal decision – some women desperately want to and just can’t, and that’s okay. The good news is we have such a good alternative in formula. We don’t have the same alternative for stable mental health, so there should be no shame or guilt around bottle feeding. As long as the baby is nourished, that’s what’s important. 

There are some products I wouldn’t be without as a new mum. A BABYBJÖRN carrier for a start, the Freerider Co. slings and the Love To Dream swaddles are all great. Muslins are the most under-rated invention ever – we had a baby that was sick quite a lot, so we probably got through about 50 a day! The large ones from aden + anais are the best. Etta Loves does lovely sensory muslins, too – they’re great for hanging over the pram. I also used two different breast pumps. A Medela one for pumping at home and the Elvie for when I went back to work. I used the latter under my dress at the National Television Awards! I also didn’t know our Stokke Tripp Trapp highchair (which grows with your child) was compatible with newborns, so I wish we’d used that sooner. The one thing I wouldn’t be without is the SNOO baby cot. It’s an investment, but so worth it.