My Journey Into Parenthood: Rosemary Ferguson

Barry and I separated when Elfie was about a year old. It wasn’t for any terrible reason – we were just very young and he’s still very much part of her life. In fact, they’re very close. We never had to come to any sort of formal custody arrangement either – she lived with me most of the time, but she went to Barry a lot, too. 

Jake and I got married after just 10 months. We don’t do anything by halves in this house! We’re also both quite impulsive, too... but so far, so good. I guess having a child already in tow, those kind of family decisions end up being made quite quickly. I was only 28, but we hit the ground running: Bliss was born a year to the day after we were married. 

Luckily, I fell pregnant again very easily. It was another good pregnancy but this time I had terrible morning sickness – it was so bad it almost made me faint. I also felt really tired. It was so different to my first, I assumed it was a boy. In the end it was another girl, but Bliss is the only brunette of the three. She was probably my only ‘tricky’ birth too, as she was back-to-back (so her spine was parallel against mine when really it should have been running down the left side of my tummy). It made it a little more painful on my pelvis. She and Blythe were also both born at home via water births.

I didn’t have morning sickness with Blythe. She was a little bit more of surprise – there are only 14 months between her and Bliss – but Jake and I were in the zone. Thinking back, it was a bit of a chaotic time – there are pictures of Bliss as a little baby balanced on my bump! 

The one thing I wish I’d know about giving birth is that it’s such a journey. In some ways, I’m glad I didn’t know that much ahead of time – even though it was a positive experience for me, it can be tricky for others. Also, you can’t express what it’s like until you’re doing it or have gone through it. Giving birth isn’t difficult but being rigid about it is. 

My thoughts about practising nutrition coincided with my pregnancies. When Elfie was born, I used to make all her food – my friends (who didn’t have children of their own at the time) gave me a bit of jip about it and were always giving her sweets on the side. But I was really thinking about what I was feeding her and what I was consuming when breastfeeding, too. It was never perfect – far from it – but it was certainly a trigger for what I do now.

My breastfeeding journey felt very natural. But it was intense all the same. It wasn’t straightforward by any means, and it can be quite painful at times. Even so, bottles and all that sterilising felt like far too much work for my lifestyle. Thankfully, the fashion industry quite likes having babies around, so I was lucky to be able to breastfeed on set. Either way, I feel very strongly that there should be absolutely no judgement – do what works for you. 

After my third baby I went back to school. Men never get asked how they balance things, but I was serious about getting my nutritional qualifications in my early 30s. I wanted to stop travelling so much as well – I didn’t like leaving the girls. I only went back part-time, two days a week, and it felt very different from being at school as a child. It’s nice to do something you’re really excited about as an adult. It’s still rolling, too – I’m currently studying for a masters. 

Remember, you parent adults longer than you parent children. My own mum said this to me and it’s so true. Adult children also have adult problems, which you can’t necessarily fix for them. It’s painful to watch your child if things aren’t going their way, but you have to let them navigate things on their own. Jake and I have similar parenting styles – I’m quite strict on some things and not on others and he is on things I’m more laidback about. We call Jake the ‘Victorian dad’ sometimes (he can be quite stickler for things like being thankful for food on the table) but overall, we’re a good team. Ultimately, we want an open household where everyone feels they can talk about anything. 

The one thing I’m quite strict about it is social media. It’s why we limit screen time in our house – I want to have conversations with my family, not have everyone hiding in their rooms on their phones. I admit it’s changed as the girls have gotten older – I mean Bliss is nearly 16 – but it’s good to have some boundaries. Over lockdown, they didn’t have any limits because I knew they needed to be able to contact their friends. But it’s such a difficult issue to navigate – especially if kids or their friends are up to no good on it. 

The one thing that irritates Jake is seeing people wasting time. It doesn’t matter what it is, but as long as the kids aren’t wasting time, he’s happy to let them pursue what they want. We don’t necessarily want them to follow in our footsteps if they’re not keen – they could be a farmer in the Outer Hebrides for all I care – it’s totally up to them. Right now, Elfie is at Bristol University doing her masters and Bliss… I don’t know – and I’m not sure she does yet, either. It doesn’t worry me though. Gen Z are so engaged and I’m amazed by how passionate they are.

The upside of having older kids in a pandemic is they’re pretty self-sufficient. Especially when it comes to things like schoolwork – although I did catch one of them on Netflix and the other on Spotify one day. But for older teens and people in their 20s, it’s a terrible time to have your social life cut off. The past year has mainly been about keeping them upbeat and not letting them think it’s the end of the world. In some ways, the first lockdown was quite special – there was lots of comradery, and everyone was in the same boat. Even so, I know my kids have felt they’ve missed out on a chunk of time. I’m sure they’ll make up for it one day. 

Being a parent is like crossing a new frontier every day. You’ve got to remember no one has crossed all the possible bridges, so take the time to really enjoy your children – especially when they’re young. Also, don’t get so stressed about the little things. I remember being concerned about Elfie sleeping in our bed when she was little. My mum said to me: “Don’t worry, she won’t want to sleep in your bed when she’s 15!” It was such good advice – all our kids slept in our bed for a bit, and I soon learnt to stop worrying about it. 

There are several things I’ve become better at since being a mum. For a start, I hold five people’s diaries in my head at any one time – I don’t need to do sudoku to train my brain! I’m also much better at cooking. Because I’ve had to cook for a family, I’ve learnt to really love it. I also love travelling with the kids. We’ve all got different tastes, but road trips or adventures tend to suit everyone. Who knows when we’ll be able to travel again, but we might plan a trip driving down the west coast of America. The good thing is, when you have older kids, you can do more things – plus, they become a companion rather than your dependent.

I really want to show my girls you can work and be a mum – without losing your identity. I’m very conscious of having three girls and the fact my mum didn’t work. She was an amazing mother but sometimes she gave too much to us – it would have been nice to see her do more for herself. 

I’d tell all new mothers to go with the flow a little bit. People are so hard on themselves – if your birth doesn’t go to plan and an emergency C-section is the only thing that will keep you and your baby safe, then that’s what has to happen. In hindsight, I know I rushed too much and packed too much in – give yourself some time, especially in the early years. Also, rely on your girlfriends – all of mine, we all helped each other. Finally, remember not all children are the same. All those parenting books offer so much advice, but it’s not a one-size-fits-all thing. That’s what generates so much stress among mothers and can make what’s already a challenging time even more difficult. 

All you ever want for your children is for them to be content. We live in a world where people are constantly looking outside of themselves for fulfilment, and I want my girls to be happy with the lives they have. I’d hate for them to feel like they had some sort of eternal FOMO or hadn’t achieved whatever it is they think they should. Teaching kids how to cultivate their self-worth is what counts.

Visit RosemaryFerguson.co.uk and follow @RosemaryFerguson_ on Instagram.