An Expert’s Guide To Co-Parenting Amicably

How should you talk to your ex-partner about co-parenting? 

Try not to talk about anything important or difficult in front of the children and arrange a separate time. Where possible, any conflict should be removed from the children. If you’re worried about what to say, writing notes to have with you can help or you can send an email first to discuss in person. There are some good parenting platforms which can assist communication such as Our Family Wizard. They can help to reduce conflict and encourage productive conversations. 

Try not to use combative language and stay focused on the children rather than making it personal. In difficult situations, try to see the situation from both sides before communicating. If the communication is about day-to-day arrangements, you can have a dedicated email address you use or agree to use WhatsApp – just be mindful that receiving lots of messages can make the other parent feel stressed if the tone is not right. With written communications, it can be easy for the other person to misinterpret what you mean. This can be particularly so if there is an acrimonious relationship between the parents. Where possible, try to interpret the other parent's messages as being well intentioned.

Finally, give the other parent space to think about things instead of demanding an immediate decision over the phone or face to face. If you get angry, the other parent may simply make a decision to have the matter over with, possibly out of spite, rather than prioritising the most important thing – the best interests of the child. 

Any tips for approaching big decisions – be they financial or otherwise – as a team?

In addition to the above, try to give the other parent notice that you want to talk and the topic so they can feel prepared and focus on the important issues for each of you when you meet. Consider getting help from a counsellor/therapist/coach to support you to have your conversations and agree some ground rules. 

If an agreement cannot be reached directly, you can also consider mediation (unless there is high conflict or domestic abuse in which case it may not be appropriate). Mediators are trained professionals who will act as an independent guide in having discussions surrounding the resolution of the issues. Child inclusive mediation is also an option. 

Other options include arbitration (a direct alternative to Court which is more flexible and can be quicker and less formal). While financial issues are important, they should not be mixed with arrangements for the children and often parents can become entrenched in conversations regarding money, which affect their ability to agree important parenting decisions. It is therefore important to keep them separate if you can. 

Is it worth setting ground rules you both agree on & how should you go about this?

Following a separation, each parent will be at different stages of their journey in terms of adjusting to the new regime. It is therefore helpful to have some general rules and principles in place so that both parents feel comfortable that the other parent is including them, and the child(ren) can feel supported from both sides. 

Parents may find it helpful to make a written record of any agreement reached in a "parenting plan". It can be a simple document, or you can include more detail. You can prepare the agreement together, either on your own or with the help of a third party (mediator) or a parenting specialist. CAFCASS have a useful template which can be found here. The agreement covers a variety of issues, and it makes both parties' expectations clear.

What happens if the other person ignores some of your agreed rules?

While you can hope to agree on the main aspects of co-parenting, the focus must always be on what is best for the child(ren). If there is a disagreement, discussing it and understanding the reasons why there is a particular issue may help. You can also consider seeking advice from a parenting specialist or asking for input from a child specialist who will be able to help you understand what is best for the child, which may in turn help solve the issues. 

The last resort is always Court, but if one parent believes that the other parent is not acting in the child's best interests in their decisions, an application can be made to the Court for a Judge to decide on arrangements for the child but also in respect of specific issues including education, holidays, division of time, location and religion. 

What about if an ex-spouse’s new partner’s approach is different to yours?

Managing the introduction of a new partner needs to be handled in a sensitive way. Hopefully, if both parents have the best interests of the child as a priority it can be discussed and agreed in advance. Often the other parent wants to meet the new partner so that they know who will be spending time with their child. This can help clear the air and make everyone more comfortable. 

If the new partner gets overly involved in the child's upbringing or has, in the other parent's view, a negative impact on the child's wellbeing, the parents should attempt to discuss matters between them and hopefully reduce the conflict. However, unless the new partner is a risk to the child, it is very difficult to prevent the introduction or involvement of a new partner. New partners or stepparents can also attend mediation, therapy or coaching with the co-parents if necessary. 

In your view, what are three solid ways to ensure co-parenting works for everyone?

There will inevitably be bumps along the co-parenting road and it won’t always work for everyone, but it can be a positive experience if the ultimate aim of the parents is to raise a healthy, loving and stable child. My three top tips are:

1. Try not to talk negatively about the other parent to the child. Even if there is a disagreement, your child will benefit from seeing there is a united front and for any conflict to be addressed in an adult way. 

2. Put your child's needs first even when it feels very difficult. Regardless of your feelings towards the other parent, you both have a responsibility to the child.

3. Self-care – look after yourself following a separation as it is a challenging time. You need to remind yourself you are important in your child's life even though the family dynamic has changed.

Are there specific co-parenting rules that can be set in stone by the Court?

If there is no agreement between the parents despite best efforts (or if the parties are so entrenched they cannot even try to agree) then the Court can make an Order which will be binding on both parties and enforceable. However, having a third party who does not know your child or your family making a decision about your child's life is rarely preferable to an agreement reached between the parents themselves. 

Further, day-to-day parenting issues are not usually decided by the court, for example rules around bedtime and routines, what children should wear, which third parties should provide care for the children and so on. However, it is often these issues which cause conflict, and it therefore works in your interests if you can co-parent effectively. 

Any final words of advice?

Nothing has to be set in stone when it comes to your child. Small, positive steps, can lead to a better co-parenting relationship but it is likely to require constant effort on both sides. Children learn so much from seeing the way their parents handle conflict so showing them that you can self-reflect and adapt will benefit them for their adult life. 

Co-parents should try to keep their conversations child focused and away from issues surrounding their previous relationship. They should keep their conversations on track and focused on parenting. Finally, I would always suggest asking for help from friends, family members or an expert if you cannot agree as co-parents. Having independent input may be beneficial and help you see a way forward. 

Antonia Felix is a partner in the family team at Mishcon de Reya LLP. 

*DISCLAIMER: Anything written by SheerLuxe is not intended to constitute legal advice. The views expressed in this article reflect the opinions of the individuals, not the company. Always consult with an independent legal advisor or expert before making any decision.