How To Feel Sexually Confident Later In Life
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Accept Your Body Changes Over Time
“Many women feel shame, guilt or insecurity when it comes to their sex life, and it can feel worse as we age. What worked for us in our twenties doesn’t work for us in our fifties or beyond. In our younger years, we might have relied on alcohol to override our inhibitions or just tried to ‘push through’, as well as perhaps having easier access to desire. As we reach menopause and beyond, this becomes less of an option. Our bodies don’t tolerate alcohol as well as they once did and, due to hormonal changes, we may experience more vaginal dryness and tenderness, and an overall need to slow things down. All of these factors can contribute to a lack of confidence in the bedroom, which in turn stops us from fully relaxing and enjoying intimacy. It might show up as feeling disconnected from pleasure or being unable to express yourself – perhaps you find it hard to ask for what you’d like and to initiate sex or to communicate what isn’t working for you.”
Don’t Fixate On Orgasm
“Some of the best sexual experiences happen when you take the goal off the table. Yes, orgasms are amazing and wonderful, and the incredible thing about the female body is that it’s capable of endless levels of pleasure. I’ve had clients rave about orgasms that have lasted for hours – but it’s not the be-all and end-all. The more pressure you put on a specific outcome, the narrower your experience of full-body pleasure will be, and the subsequent failure you – or your partner – will feel when an orgasm doesn’t happen. Pleasure, sensation, emotional connection and intimacy are far more important. At the same time, if you’re not experiencing the level of orgasms you’d like, it’s totally possible to work through this with the right support – and it’s never too late.”
Try Something New
“One of the biggest issues I see among my clients is getting stuck in a rut, especially if you’ve been with the same partner for decades. If you’ve ended up in habitual lovemaking (‘I do this and then you do that’), it’s inevitable that things will start to get stale. Women constantly tell me, ‘I love my partner but the sex just isn’t doing it for me anymore.’ A big problem is women having sex out of duty, so then it feels like a chore. This inevitably increases resentment in the relationship and leaves both parties feeling frustrated and rejected, then nobody wants to initiate and nobody feels fulfilled. It’s okay to try new things and explore new ways of pleasure. You may well require longer foreplay, slower lovemaking and new ways of touching each other. For many of my clients, they discover that this is actually a gateway to experiencing more pleasure than they’ve ever had in their lives.”
Have More Foreplay
“So many couples rush to the main event and skip foreplay, which is an essential part of lovemaking. Slow caresses of each other’s bodies, verbal teasing and slowly undressing each other can really help. Experiment with caressing the less obvious erogenous zones, such as the insides of the elbows, backs of the knees and back of the neck. Spending more time being intentional here can help build desire and bring in freshness, which is so important if you’ve been with your partner for a long time. Being teased to the point of no return can also help you rediscover a sense of hotness, as well as the inner confidence that comes from feeling that you’re being desired by your partner.”
Take Your Time
“If your orgasm takes an hour, so be it. It can help if you can encourage your partner to slow down during penetration – slower thrusts may help you both experience more pleasure and make it feel less of a race to orgasm. Some couples find it helps to synchronise their breath as this naturally helps you to slow everything down and may also help you to feel more connected to each other. It’s important to enjoy the whole process, so switching up positions, rather than staying in one position can be beneficial, too. Experiment with putting a pillow under your buttocks whilst in the missionary position – this tilts your pelvis and can mean more stimulation of both your G spot and cervix. Make sure that both of you are comfortable, whatever position you’re in (this is especially important if you have trouble with knees, hips and shoulders). The more you can relax, the better.”
Prioritise Self Pleasure
“Get comfortable exploring yourself internally. There are some amazing products on the market these days – glass dildos might seem intimidating but they’re a good alternative to plastic vibrators and feel less intense. The Yoni Pleasure Palace is a great place to start online – I recommend the Cervix Serpent to many of my clients; and Lovehoney also has a good selection. When it comes to lubricant, Aloe Cadabra is great as it’s pH-balanced, natural and feels cooling, while Foria’s Awaken Arousal Oil is made with CBD extract and works wonders for vaginal dryness. Explore yourself with the attitude of ‘who am I now, in this body?’ rather than, ‘this is numb, this is saggy’. Always go at the pace of your body and make sure you feel safe to explore.”
Communicate Your Desire
“In my experience, when it comes to having confidence with a new partner after having been with the same person for a long time, it can go one of two ways. Some women experience a real, immediate sense of liberation and freedom, enhanced by the chemistry, hotness and newness of being with a new partner. Other women fear not being experienced enough, feeling awkward or worried that they’re not good enough. It’s important to remember that your new partner may well have similar insecurities about themselves. There’s a golden opportunity here to have an honest conversation about what your needs are and how you feel. Don’t be afraid to say, ‘I feel a bit vulnerable’. Remember it’s okay to take the time to discover what you both like, and that can be really fun and empowering. The more you can both focus on pleasure and less on performance, the better.”
Let Go Of Your Inhibitions
“Ultimately, true sexual confidence comes from the pleasure you feel on the inside and giving yourself permission to access that, and not what you think your body looks like – it’s not performative and it has nothing to do with your age. Communicate with your partner more and don’t be afraid to try new things – even if that’s just trying a different room in the house or a different time of day. Don’t give up on your sex life, either – it’s never too late. I have clients in their seventies discovering G-spot orgasms for the first time. You deserve pleasure – it’s not frivolous or a luxury. Our bodies are built for pleasure and we need it to thrive.”
For more from Mangala, or to book an online coaching session, visit MangalaHolland.com
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