The New Rules Of Divorce – How To Do It Well

It might sound surprising, but the first move in a divorce shouldn’t always be a legal one. “Making major decisions when you’re emotionally flooded is risky,” says divorce coach Fiona Kimbell. “Those early choices – about money, communication and custody – often shape everything that follows.” In the early days, it’s easy to feel like you need to act fast. You might be reeling from betrayal, confusion, grief or fear. But Fiona sees many women committing to legal routes or financial compromises that don’t hold up long term. “There’s a lot of noise at the start,” she says. “Friends, family, even social media may all be well-meaning, but they can stir up more emotion. The women who come through this best are the ones who pause, steady themselves and think ahead instead of reacting in the moment.”

Plenty of women have been thinking about leaving for years – but what’s changed is how much attention is now paid to how the split happens. “We’ve moved away from big dramatic breakups to quieter, more private separations,” says Fiona. “There’s a growing understanding that conflict is what causes lasting damage – especially if children are involved.” Research shows divorce itself doesn’t harm kids long term, but conflict does. And it’s not just about parenting. In midlife, your emotional wellbeing, reputation, and identity all matter. “How you leave has become an act of self-respect,” Fiona says. “The way you handle things at the beginning often shapes what follows – for years.” Breakup and divorce coach Katie Woods agrees: “We now recognise a thoughtful exit helps preserve emotional stability – not just for the couple, but for the family as a whole. It sets a precedent for future communication and lays the groundwork for effective co-parenting, even if you’re no longer in a relationship.”

Assuming your divorce will be amicable can be a painful – and expensive – mistake. “Some couples genuinely go through a conscious uncoupling,” says divorce and domestic abuse expert Sara Davison. “They stay focused on their kids, communicate with care and keep things respectful.” But that’s not everyone’s experience. “We’re seeing more toxic separations too,” she says. “One person may be intent on causing emotional or financial harm. The legal system becomes a tool for control and post-separation abuse is a growing issue.” The manipulation and power imbalance that may have existed in the relationship doesn’t always end with the breakup. It just shifts form. Financial pressure, parenting conflicts, legal mind games – they’re all signs of an unhealthy dynamic. “It’s not cynical to recognise this,” says Sara. “It’s protective.” Understanding which camp your situation falls into helps you choose the right legal approach and support system. Hoping for the best while planning for the dynamic you’re in can make all the difference.

Later-life divorce is becoming more common – and for good reason. “Women in their fifties and sixties often start asking bigger questions,” says Fiona. “What do I want the next part of my life to look like? Do I feel seen? Is this relationship really working for me?” With children grown and roles shifting, many women reassess what they want – emotionally, practically and personally. Confidence, financial independence and longer life expectancy all play a part. But these breakups are rarely simple. “There are years of shared history,” Fiona says. “Joint finances, mortgages, pensions, as well as adult children who may still need support and elderly parents. The emotional weight can feel huge.” There’s also something deeper – a kind of identity loss. “After a long marriage, you may not know exactly who you are without it,” she adds. “The women who manage this well give themselves space to feel that, instead of rushing to reinvent themselves.” Katie adds: “This period can be incredibly confronting, but it’s also full of potential. Many women rediscover parts of themselves that were dormant. It can be a time of reclamation, growth, even joy – but only when the grief is acknowledged and processed first.”

Money is often the most overwhelming part of divorce – and the least understood. “The biggest issue I see is women not having a clear picture of their finances,” says Fiona. “If you don’t know what you have, what you owe or what your lifestyle costs, how can you plan for your future?” This goes beyond salaries. Think savings, pensions, debt, property, bills – and what life will realistically cost on the other side. “A lot of women fight to keep the house,” she adds, “but it can mean letting go of long-term assets that are harder to replace.” Sara agrees: “Just because the split feels calm doesn’t mean it will be fair. Amicable doesn’t mean informal. Get it in writing. Understand your numbers. Knowledge is your protection.” Katie emphasises the value of professional advice early on: “Speaking with a financial planner or divorce-savvy accountant can help you make informed decisions. It’s not about fighting – it’s about being clear-eyed and future-focused.”

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to divorce anymore – and that’s a good thing. From mediation and coaching to collaborative law, women today have more options than ever to navigate separation in a way that feels manageable and fair. The key is knowing what works best for you – emotionally, practically and legally. “A modern divorce should be shaped around the people in it – not forced into a fixed model,” says Fiona. “Emotional intelligence and communication often matter more than legal aggression.” That said, not every approach suits every situation. “Collaborative models only work when both partners are honest and willing,” says Katie. “In cases of coercion or power imbalance, mediation can actually be harmful. It can become a new space for control or manipulation.” Katie also sees more couples working with a joined-up team – a mix of coaches, lawyers, mediators and financial experts – who guide both the emotional and practical parts of the process. “When it works, it’s not just about avoiding conflict,” she says. “It’s about creating something respectful and steady, especially if children are involved and you’re trying to build something that still works long-term.” 

For many separating couples, moving out isn’t immediately possible. Housing costs and financial entanglements mean shared living is a practical necessity – at least for a while. Some families try ‘birdnesting’, where children stay in the home and parents rotate in and out. Others adopt a ‘no-split’ approach, cohabiting while emotionally untangling. When handled well, these models can help ease the transition for children. “They can provide a sense of continuity,” says Fiona. “But they depend on mutual respect, emotional regulation and crystal-clear boundaries.” Katie also urges caution: “These arrangements are sometimes mistaken for emotional maturity but, without a shared exit plan, they can blur lines and delay healing. Lingering under the same roof can trigger old dynamics and stall the emotional separation that needs to happen. These models can be useful bridges – but they’re rarely a long-term solution.”

No-fault divorce means you don’t need to blame anyone to legally separate – and that’s a huge shift. But it doesn’t make the emotional experience any easier. “There’s still grief,” says Fiona. “Not just for the relationship, but for the version of the future you thought you were building.” What it does change is the power dynamic. “You don’t need permission to leave,” she says. “For women in imbalanced relationships, that can be a lifeline.” Removing blame makes the process cleaner on paper – but the emotional work still needs time and space. Katie adds: “I often see women surprised by how deeply they feel the loss, even if they initiated the split. No-fault doesn’t bypass grief – it just gives you permission to move forward with less shame.”

Technology plays a far bigger role in divorce than many women expect. “Divorce has a long memory,” Fiona says. “Emails are forwarded, messages are screenshot, voice notes are transcribed.” Her filter is simple: Would you be comfortable with this being read out in court? This applies not only to direct communication, but to group chats, social media posts and captions. “A single impulsive message can undo months of careful progress,” she adds. Used carefully, however, technology can help – from co-parenting apps to tools that help neutralise tone – as long as they complement, rather than replace, professional advice.

One form of support many women still aren’t aware of – or only discover late in the process – is divorce coaching. Unlike legal or therapeutic support, divorce coaches sit in the space between the emotional and the practical, helping women navigate decisions, communication and strategy in real time. “A divorce coach isn’t there to take sides or give legal advice,” explains Fiona. “We help women steady themselves emotionally so they can think clearly, communicate effectively and make decisions they won’t later regret.” 

Divorce is often framed in terms of what ends – a marriage, a home, a version of family life. But just as important is what you carry forward. The process tends to reveal how you navigate pressure – how you handle conflict, hold boundaries, make decisions and stay connected to your own judgement. These patterns don’t end with the paperwork – they shape what comes next. “The goal isn’t to emerge untouched,” says Fiona. “It’s to emerge more self-aware. Divorce can bring sharp clarity about what matters to you – your limits, your values, your priorities – and help you make future choices from a stronger, steadier place.” 

For more, visit NeomDivorceCoaching.com, KatieWoodsDivorceCoaching.com & SaraDavison.com

*DISCLAIMER: Anything written by SheerLuxe is not intended to constitute financial or legal advice. The views expressed in this article reflect the opinions of the individuals, not the company. Always consult with an independent financial advisor or legal expert before making any decisions.