How To Make Friends As An Adult

When you’re a child it seems so easy to make (and break) friends, but as an adult, making friends somehow becomes so much harder. Why is that? “As a child we spend a lot of time in social activity, learning the rules of engagement and meeting lots of new people,” says psychotherapist Ali Moore. “As a child, you aren’t as self-aware; you could play without being self-conscious and you’re not aware that other people might have opinions about you – you don't recognise judgement.”

But as an adult, that self-awareness is now all too prevalent. “You may fear rejection, you may have expectations of people that they can’t meet and subsequently be disappointed, you may be wary of making friends and then their expectations of us,” explains Ali. “All of this can be underpinned by our past experiences and how our self-esteem has developed; how much you value yourself and feel confident.”

But making and maintaining friendships is crucial to your wellbeing. Ali tells us: “Every time a new friendship is created this sense of worth and your self-esteem gets a boost helping to release feel good chemicals such as serotonin and dopamine. New friendships spark the need for new information which creates activity in the brain as you process what's happening and keeps your mind active.” So, how exactly can you make friends? Ali gives us her pointers…

Make Sure You’re Comfortable

There’s an idea that to be open to meeting new friends you must become a ‘Yes Man’. But while it’s good to positively push yourself, you shouldn’t make yourself feel uncomfortable in order to accommodate others, because that’s not an honest representation of who you are. Ali explains: “You need to be comfortable with who you are and feel able to express yourself. You need, of course, to listen to other people's point of view and be open to new and different ideas – it’s always good to compromise so both people gain from the friendship. But you don't want to agree to everything, and you certainly shouldn't have to change who you are.”

Find Groups Suited To Your Interests

One of the hardest things about meeting new people is knowing exactly where to meet them. As an adult, you aren’t in many situations beyond work where you’ll meet people. But there are groups you can join that are essentially made for making friends. For new parents, baby/parent groups are a great way to meet people in a similar place in life, and offers great support, says Ali. “If you’re in business then networking groups, especially the ones for women, are fabulous at building new contacts. Exercise classes are great to have those brief initial chats and then arrange to see each other at the following session. Also check out local magazines and publications which give details of special interest groups or coffee mornings. I would avoid places like pubs and clubs because people are already in groups and it can be noisy and feel a bit intimidating on your own.”

Show That You’re Open To Meeting New People

When it comes to meeting new people, how you hold yourself is going to make a big difference to how many (platonic) phone numbers you get at the end of the night – you need to throw yourself into the experience. “Just start by making conversation and showing an interest. People want to feel listened to, so making eye contact with whomever you’re talking to will help,” Ali says. But that isn’t to say you have to be a beacon of confidence, it’s more about being open with people: “It's totally fine to say that you’re nervous or unsure of what to say in new situations. But showing an interest and facing people, nodding and engaging with verbal cues are all great starts. The tough part can be going and making that first contact.”

Ask Open Questions

To initiate conversation with new people, it’s important to ask open questions that encourage an open dialogue. “Ask them about themselves!” Ali encourages, such as “Tell me a bit about yourself”, “What interested you in this group/activity?” or “What do you do in your spare time?”. Ali advises avoiding asking questions about family as this can be personal and people might not be ready to share that information yet. If you can find a common ground however, such as children, that can be the perfect topic to break the ice.