How To Have Better Sex, According To An Intimacy Coach

Know That Sex & Intimacy Are Very Different

“It’s important to note that you can share a tonne of intimacy and no sex, and a tonne of sex and no intimacy. A lack of sex doesn’t have to mean something is fundamentally ‘wrong’. I try not to use that word as it implies there’s a ‘right’ way to approach sex, and that’s an unhelpful myth. The lack of it simply means a lack of prioritisation. This can be a chance to reflect, either on your own or with your partner, and pour new life into your connection. Everyone gets to define how important sex is to them as an individual and within their relationship and build on that. However, if you decide it is important and continue not to prioritise it or show up for it, that’s when you might need some support.”

Set Time Aside To Align With Your Partner

“Just like everything important to us in our modern lives (work, catch-ups with friends, workouts), we set aside time for them and show up, but we rarely do this for sex. Instead, we expect that desire will magically bubble up from somewhere within, between all our other priorities. And then when it doesn’t, we feel like we have failed. The first step is deciding its level of importance, and then showing up accordingly. Setting aside time with your partner to connect in non-sexual ways can be a great gateway to more erotic ones. I created Reflect 2 Reconnect as an easy (and hopefully fun) way to approach this, it’s a series of questions that can help you create neutral ground to speak about your desires with your partner and see where the conversation takes you.”

Speak Up About What You Really Want

“I urge couples to note the moments when they feel more connected to their partner sexually and emotionally. Often when we talk about wanting sex, what we really desire is closeness to the person we love. It may be a shared activity or another form of physical touch. If date night isn’t an option, sprinkle these small means of connection into your week. Keep the lines of communication open. I always tell my clients that by pouring their intention and love into gathering new means for reconnection, they’ll forever have those tools to problem-solve as their lives and sex lives inevitably ebb and flow. It’s about finding a few tangible tools that work for you and remembering they’re there when you need them.”

Don’t Pin Everything On An Orgasm

“One of the most common misconceptions is that good sex always involves an orgasm. It goes without saying we all want to reach climax when having sex, but the experience can still be enjoyable without orgasm. There’s also a big misconception that good sex – or just ‘sex’ in general – involves penetrative sex. There are many other forms of intimacy: touching, kissing, oral sex, using toys and even verbal (dirty talk or sexting) can be pleasurable forms of intimacy that shouldn’t be overlooked.”

Remember, Sex Needs Work

“One of the biggest myths I see and hear is that good sex doesn’t need work. Of course it does. Like anything, you have to be put the work in to reap the results. The key fundamentals in my eyes for a good, healthy sex life are curiosity, trust and respect. When it comes to curiosity, keep an open mind and never judge yourself or your partner harshly. It can be uncomfortable to discuss different desires, but it’s essential you keep an open conversation around what you like and dislike in the bedroom. I also think it’s important to remember that quality beats quantity when it comes to sex – at least it does for most when you break it down.” 

Don’t Be Afraid To Evolve

“Sex is an ever-evolving exploration – when we get stuck in a cycle of comparing our sex life to an earlier version of ourselves (often one with raging hormones and very little responsibility), we stunt ourselves from approaching sex with curiosity for where it could take us. When you stop trying to go backward and allow your sex life to evolve the way you as a person are ever-changing, you’ll find more satisfaction. It’s very possible that you haven’t had your best sex yet and that’s perfectly fine. It can be helpful to make a wish list with your partner to share ideas on what you may like to try and ways to keep things fresh.”

Finally, Learn What Sex Means To You

“If you’re in a relationship, establish how important sex is to you both respectively. The goal isn’t necessarily to build on that, but to improve the journey to getting there. If we can create dynamics where the partner who desires sex less has more reason or more incentive, they can find their pathway to eroticism faster. Sometimes that just looks like holding each other and breathing together. Sometimes that looks like talking about your day in a way where you can unload it and put it away. Sometimes it’s a sensual massage – there are no rights and wrongs.”

To get more tips and advice from Michaela read her Substack.