The Sex Story Everyone Is Talking About

The Sex Story Everyone Is Talking About

A recent Guardian advice column received a rather interesting call for guidance from a bemused male: “My girlfriend masturbates after sex,” he said. “Is she insatiable?” Suffice to say, the story went viral and he was mocked the world over. But his question raises an interesting point: When women don’t climax, why do men instantly think it’s her problem?

What’s the story?

The man in question said he has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for nine months, and had been under the impression that the sex was mutually enjoyed. But au contraire! His girlfriend had always told him to shower straight after sex. No, she wasn’t a clean freak – she was just using it excuse to masturbate alone. “She has done it multiple times,” he added. “I think she is insatiable.”

What’s wrong with his comments?

The very fact this guy is suggesting his girlfriend has a voracious appetite for sex immediately places the blame on her instead of on him. Rather than asking, “Did I not give my girlfriend an orgasm?” he questions, “Is she greedy?”. It seems in his mind, there’s no need to ask if it was good for her – he is good at sex, it’s just she has an unquenchable appetite for it. That’s her problem.

If we’re being optimistic about this, a girlfriend with a high libido that takes care of herself doesn’t seem like the worst problem in the world to have. But what we’re all really taking away from this is, she is finishing what he couldn’t start. After all, only around 18% of women can achieve orgasm through penetration alone.

The genuine cluelessness of the anonymous man is something that’s hard not to mock – it’s a prime example of how men don’t understand the sexual needs of women and, instead of considering the needs of their girlfriend, instead make the situation all about themselves.

What advice was he given?

Resident Guardian columnist and psychotherapist Pamela Stephenson Connolly took one for the team here, advising in her reply that the boyfriend could actually just ask his girlfriend if there’s anything he can do for her once he’s climaxed, instead of neglecting her needs once his have been satiated.

His situation is hardly an isolated issue – studies have shown that, in general, women tend to enjoy sex less than men because male sexual pleasure is often prioritised over that of women

What’s wrong with this scenario?

There’s definitely a willingness to overlook a woman’s enjoyment of sex because of an ‘it can’t be me’ attitude. Only four days later the Guardian ran another sex piece, penned by a second anonymous man, called ‘My Life In Sex: The Man Who Always Gives An Orgasm’.

“I’ve never asked ‘How was that for you?’ because, frankly, I haven’t needed to,” the man wrote. If this column hadn’t been written four days after the first guy, I would wonder if we were joining the same person during a pivotal moment in his life.

Communication is key when it comes to sex, and seems to be the underlying issue here. If you’re not articulating your needs, then you could be in trouble – because these guys certainly aren’t checking if you’ve had a good time. Anonymous Guy No. 2 is a perfect example of an ignorance-is-bliss take on sexual gratification. Simply thinking he’s good is enough for him. He said in his piece that ensuring satisfaction is all about getting to know his partner’s “anatomy” and reading how she reacts to his touch. “It’s not rocket science,” he boasted, as if his girlfriend is an instruction manual for a set of Ikea drawers he’s going to put together on a Sunday morning. He goes on to add that he knows his girlfriends, past and present, have enjoyed his technique because they displayed “seconds of paralysis” in the moment, and his current girlfriend starts “helplessly chuckling to herself” post ‘gasm – it’s almost as if he’s never seen When Harry Met Sally.

But should the onus really be on the woman to correct what is so obviously a flaw in the way men view themselves sexually? Probably not – it’s down to the man to be perceptive and then woman to be honest in response. It’s not as if women want a guy to ask if it was good for them after every time, but perhaps if a man spots an anomaly that makes them feel bad – like their girlfriend masturbating alone after sex – they should simply consider that they could be a contributing factor, and ask what they can do better.

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