How To Have More Satisfying Sex
How To Have More Satisfying Sex

How To Have More Satisfying Sex

As humans, we’re hardwired to crave spontaneity in the bedroom but over time we can lose our confidence – and imagination. If you’re looking to get out of an intimacy rut, help is at hand. We went to four experts for their advice – from the importance of sharing desires to creating a sexual bucket list…
By Tor West
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Image: GRINVALDS/ISTOCK

EMILY KING

Sex Therapist & Sexologist At Shespot, Says…

Treat Sex Like A Skill

“Sex should be something you’re constantly working on. Read books and reflect on past sexual experiences to gain a better understanding of what your desires and preferences are. Don’t be afraid to seek out new information – you’ll be surprised at how curious it’ll make you to learn more. Curiosity requires a level of openness that helps to pull us out of habitual sex. Invest in your intimate life the way you would invest in your social life. Agree to try something new every couple of months – it could be a new toy, a lube or a workshop. Magic happens when we resist taking ourselves and sex too seriously.”

Make A Wish List

“Make a ‘yes, no and maybe’ list with your partner to share ideas on what you might like to try, as well as their boundaries and preferences. A list like this is a great way of reminding us of the options when it comes to intimacy and sex. You don’t have to deep-dive into the Kama Sutra – think about trying mutual masturbation or cooking dinner together while listening to audio erotica. Welcome silliness and remember that sex is supposed to be fun.”

Build Excitement

“In a long-term relationship, you’ll have spent years building a strong, emotional connection, which may lend itself well to love, but doesn’t always make arousal feel so accessible. The good thing is we can choose to create erotic tension within a stable relationship – the secret is to create an ‘obstacle’ to generate sexual excitement. Time and distance are great ways to create an obstacle. When you leave for work in the morning, exchange flirtatious touch and kisses. The obstacle in this instance is that you both know you can’t take it any further, thus creating excitement. Distance is another obstacle – leave each other notes or exchange texts during the workday, or spend weekends away from each other.”  

Use Touch Wisely

“Touch is the mother of the sensations. It’s central to sexual satisfaction yet we are barely conscious of how we experience and share it. As a sex therapist working with couples, exploring what role touch plays in a relationship is one of the most important aspects of what I do. There is often resentment, sometimes subconsciously, as partners (particularly women, and mothers, in my experience) can feel over-touched. Making space for non-sexual touch is a good place to start. If your partner enjoys a massage, offer this every week or two and resist initiating sexual touch. This will evoke a deep sense of trust and will allow touch to be enjoyed without the expectation of moving to sex.”

Invest In Accessories

“Bedroom accessories are your ally. They enhance experiences rather than replacing a partner. Plus, toys encourage us to act more intuitively rather than sticking to a cultural script. Think about what you both enjoy together and make a decision based on this, not what you think you should go for. When I bought my first sex toy, I went straight for a Rabbit largely because of the iconic Sex and The City episode, yet I had rarely experimented with penetration during masturbation, so it lived a lonely existence in my bedside drawer. Think about what would bring you pleasure. If you enjoy massages, try a massage candle, or a blindfold or some silk ties to incorporate approachable restraint play.”

Manage Expectations

“Being a parent can change your sex life, but that doesn’t necessarily need to be for the worse. Be realistic with each other: what previously happened in your intimate life that doesn’t have a place anymore? Perhaps there’s something you used to share together that you’d love to rekindle? Remember that rest and sleep are key players in maintaining libido, so they come first, then sex. Agree on alone time and parent as a team – joint effort will make both feel valued and will mean you’re more willing to engage intimately. Remembering that you both have identities as individuals as well as partners and parents is an important aspect in remaining connected with your sexuality.”

Don’t Fear Therapy

“Therapy is becoming more mainstream, especially for those wanting to develop in terms of self-growth and understanding, but there’s still a stigma surrounding couples and sex therapy. Our cultural perceptions of sex are that it should be natural or easy with the right person but, from my clients’ experience, this isn’t always true. Relationships and sex can be huge aspects of our personal expansion, just like self-development work can.”  

Visit SheSpot.co.uk

ANNA RICHARDS

Sex Expert & Founder Of Frolicme, Says…

Never Stop Sharing Your Desires

“As time goes on in a relationship, it’s normal for passion to fade, but sharing your desires will keep the pathways of communication open and show you’re willing to maintain excitement in your sex life. However well you and your partner know each other, you aren’t mind readers, so make time for conversations where you discuss new desires you’re having and how can you explore and experience them together. Make sure you’re checking in with what they want, too, and talk about what sort of sex they’re interested in exploring. It’s okay to change your mind and want to try something different.”

Experiment With Solo Play

“A large part of building confidence in the bedroom is learning what brings you physical pleasure. Don’t overthink it, and don’t underestimate the value of solo sex. Remember your brain is your biggest sexual organ, so be open to trying some sensual ethical erotica or listening to erotic stories to help motivate your desire. Learn how your body responds and where you find you like to be touched, and how and where you enjoy stimulation – this will help you to communicate more effectively in a sexual scenario.”

Go Slow

“Spicing things up doesn’t have to mean amazing, mind-blowing sex every time. It can just mean mixing things up a bit. Instigate sex in a different room, join your partner in the shower, or experiment with foreplay. Perhaps even express your interest in sharing fantasies. Variety also doesn’t have to mean full-on sex when time is limited. Other forms of intimacy that aren’t focused on penetration will help enhance the connection between you both.”

Be Selfish

“Ultimately, sex isn’t all about pleasing your partner – it’s important to please yourself, too. Good sex in a relationship should be balanced and never one-sided. Take time to explore what you enjoy and let your lover know. If you’re confident in bed and know what you want, that’s a huge turn-on.” 

Visit FrolicMe.com

ANGHARAD OWEN

Sex & Relationship Coach, Says…

Talk About It

“Communication is the age-old secret to sensational sex. Create a space where desires and sexual preferences can be shared without judgement. It can help to initiate a conversation outside the bedroom – perhaps over a glass of wine or during a cosy evening. Remember it’s not just about speaking, but also actively listening to your partner’s desires. Communication and a sense of playfulness are the key to keep the sparks flying.”

Don’t Discount Toys

“Sex toys offer a variety of sensations and experiences that can intensify pleasure, whether you’re flying solo or with a partner. They are also a great way to break the routine. To bring toys into your bedroom adventures, start by having an open, non-judgemental conversation with your partner and visit a boutique together, exploring the world of toys and selecting one that intrigues both of you. Approach this with a sense of playfulness and mutual consent, and see toys as companions to heightened pleasure that will offer new sensations and possibilities.”

Visit AngharadOwen.com

HANNAH WITTON

Sex Educator, Says…

Schedule Sex

“While setting time aside for sex may seem like the least sexy thing on the planet, knowing there’s time designated for intimacy can really help build arousal. And know that there’s no pressure to have sex at this time – even if you just lie together and chat, that’s still an intimacy win.”

Create A Sexual Bucket List

“If you’re in a long-term relationship, chances are one of you has mentioned a fantasy or two over the years. As an exercise, try writing down a few things you might like to try and then come together to compare. Within your list, note down what you really would love to try, what you’re less bothered by and what you definitely don’t want to try. This is a great way to start the conversation, but in a less intimidating way.”

Drop The Comparison Game

“We often feel like we’re not having enough sex or the sex we’re having isn’t as exciting or fulfilling as other people’s. The truth is, we don’t really know what other people are up to, and how they feel about their sex life. Focus on yourself and your partner. Are you happy with your sex life? If not, why not? And if you are, what is it that you love? What would your ideal sex life look like? It may take time to figure it all out, but stopping the comparison will help with overall sexual satisfaction.”

Visit HannahWitton.com

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